If avoidance had a color it would be red. Red alert. WAH. WAH. WAH.
Avoiding talking about the state of your bank balance with your spouse.
Avoiding going to the doctor with that chest pain.
Avoiding thinking about how much you are drinking.
Avoiding your journal.
Fortunately, I am not avoiding my journal (not today, anyway) but I am writing this post right now in full-blown avoidance of writing down my goals. Career goals. Writing goals. Why on earth?! I’m so excited about my future. I can see it so brightly I almost do need those shades. I know I am going to be successful.
But it’s not my journaling workshops and instruction that I’m worried about. It’s my writing.
My writing has been put aside, as it has through every other excuse I’ve come up with: Working, New Mom, Just Moved, Course Work… and I wonder why I haven’t been published more than I have. Kind of hard to publish something that isn’t written. Duh.
I have been swamped with ideas lately. Essays, memoirs, even a book (something I was convinced I would never want to commit to). If I put my toddler in daycare for 30 more hours, hired a housekeeper, found a mistress for my husband, and stopped pushing myself into people’s faces trying to convince them they need to write, then I could write to my little heart’s content. Man, there’d be no stopping me!
But that’s not my life and nor will it be if I don’t get those goals down on paper. I know that once you write down your dreams they have a way of sneaking in and coming true, sometimes when you’re not even paying attention. I have to ask myself why I’m scared to become a Writer (and by that I mean a Writer who May or May Not Get Paid for Their Efforts but Whom People Read and May Actually Notice the Byline).
I do think that I continue to sabotage myself. I am scared of success in the one area that I am the most passionate about. Yes, I want to teach journal-writing. I believe in that and I love that I can help others find healing in their writing.
But my writing is about me. All about ME. And what does it say about me if I fail?
At being me?
Red Alert! WAH. WAH. WAH.