I am not an island

I have a confession to make.

I’m lonely.

Last night I was checking the traffic to my blog and followed one visitor’s referral link back to a blog I didn’t recognize. At first I was confused why a link to my blog would be here. Then I began to put it together and realized it was the website of a couple with whom we were friends in Mississippi. I finally found the link to my blog along with this introduction: “A friend that used to live in MS has a blog about her new life in Vermont, a move back home for her. They are cool people and we miss them a lot but I guess they’ve moved on to better things.” (Thanks, Tim… you’re cool people yourself!) He goes on to say that although he does miss his home state, as long as he has friends, “you’ve got the most perfect place on earth.”

That’s hard to hear.

I haven’t acknowlegded (in this forum) something very important about our 3 years in Mississippi: Friends.

For the first time in my life when I planned a party I had a list of guests, guests who showed up, who stayed late and with whom we had laughs, tears (not at the party, thankfully), and meaningful conversations. With these same friends we had lunch and drinks out on the town, shared Thanksgiving dinner, and threw baby showers and children’s birthday parties.

Friends became the norm. Now we don’t have them. And I thought I was OK.

But I’m not.

My days are running into each other with no anticipation of fun. The little screen on my phone never lights up with just a first name. I have no other woman to gripe to, no other mom to sympathize with. No one to meet at the coffee shop.

I keep in touch with close friends in various parts of the country, and even in England where I grew up, but I never knew just how vital it is to have friends right on your door step until they weren’t there anymore.

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6 thoughts on “I am not an island

  1. I have lived in a few different states and I have found Vermont the hardest place to find friends. After being here 15 years, I have just one friend who I consider close, but she lives up north a ways and we only see each other every few months.I thought that I found some friends that I could hang with for a while, then they did something that hurt my feelings so I only consider them aquaintences now.I talk on the phone and email blog friends more than real life people. I usually blame it on how far I am away from people, but it’s got to be more than that. Sorry, I rambled!

  2. Yes, it’s hard. After you abandoned me ( 🙂 I tease)I had to go out and make some friends. That’s some stressful work. As much as I don’t like living here I am comfortable having friends again and a social life. I don’t look forward to moving and starting all over again.

  3. It’s really difficult when you move around a lot, or move a long distance. I used to beat myself up for not maintaining friendships that had meant a lot to me in certain places and times in my life but I’ve come to realise that sometimes just having had the friendship, even if it is a bit rusty now, makes my life richer. Making friends as an adult is always hard but I’m sure that with just a little effort and a bit of good timing and luck, you’ll have first names coming up on your screen in no time.

  4. I agree with gmcountrymama – Vermont is one of the hardest places to find friends. And the people in my age group wind up moving after a few short years to find better jobs or to escape the high cost of living here. The long, long winters make it even more difficult – no one feels social and I think that coldness has settled into the bones of Vermonters. I would suggest you get involved in some social groups – writing groups or mom groups – but then it sounds like time isn’t on your side either.

  5. Well, I didn’t expect to get so much feedback! It felt almost too raw to put out there. I am trying to be open to finding like-minded people but it’s hard to be when you’re naturally introverted. I’ve heard it takes at least two years to find a social group – we were just spoiled in MS when it took a matter of months (fellow northerners all needing support in the sticky south 🙂 )

  6. I hear you. In my situation all of my good friends moved away. Friends I’d had from when making friends was “easier’ (is it ever really easy?).Now I have to put forth the effort to approach people whose views are often unknown to me. I’ve been able to do this, but it has taken years.I wanted also to commend you on writing this for all to see. I have a good (best) friend whose favorite quote is about how the hardest thing to swallow is when you put yourself out there, all raw and vulnerable and the receipient just shrugs it off like it is nothing.I wanted you to know that this was not nothing.

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